


Mammon's Notebook

by Cici3



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Bullying, Heavy Angst, Pining, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24858355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cici3/pseuds/Cici3
Summary: Jetea was sent to Mammon's room to look for a report that was past due, what she finds is something that needs much more attention than an assignment.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 129





	Mammon's Notebook

**Author's Note:**

> i had written this back in February of 2020 when i was still getting into the game and beginning my series, Mammon is my #2 and i will always have love for him. I didn't want to post this before because it can be very triggering so i only referenced it in a "dream" he had during series two. But upon learning some information that at this time is alleged i think people need to be a little shocked, a little triggered, because Mammon does deserve some love and I have depicted that in my series even though he is not in the spotlight. I love all the boys, but this piece...well, let it speak for itself. (You will understand it best if you've read My Devil Academia A Rose Has Thorns)

It was about six in the morning and I had just finished the notes and documents Lucifer needed to review before sending them to Diavolo. I walked them to his room with his favorite lunch in my other hand. He looked up at me with those beautiful ruby eyes and a sly smirk; he was trying to make me melt, he was good at that. But I played that game as well. I let my eyes glimmer at the sight of him and I cocked my head with a coy smile and let my hair fall off my shoulder. His eyes softened, ha I win. I made sure to shut the door behind me before slipping the contents of my arms onto his desk and pressing my lips to his. He slipped a hand from his glove to caress my cheek.

  
“Ah-ah-ah…work first, then play.” He let out a low and sinister laugh as I sat upon his desk.

  
“Then maybe you can get that buffoon of a brother of mine to submit his report.”

  
“He hasn’t done that yet?”

  
“If I don’t stay on him, he will never get anything done!” I gripped my loves hand tighter and kissed it tenderly, stifling his anger.

  
“Your lunch will get cold; I will get the report from Mammon you finish here.”

  
“Hmm, you always had a much gentler hand with him; go then and be quick.” He traced a finger along my knee and I promptly smacked his hand prompting a low growl from him.

  
“You are not playing fair.” I bounded up and sashayed to the door.

  
“Then punish me later…if you can.” I loved to bait him; I didn’t even wait for his response before closing the door. We have kept our relationship a secret for about a month now, not that it was scandalous more than we wanted things to remain professional. And besides I loved being his peace and his right hand; knowing that I had a handhold on his heart made me feel like I could be just a vulnerable and that was nice; to not have to be so strong all the time.

  
I searched all over for Mammon; he wasn’t in his usual places and as time went on I began to worry I would never get that report. I finally went to his room to find no one there; however it was a mess, papers and clothes everywhere Mammon would never leave his things strewn around they were expensive. I began to pick up his papers hoping one of them would be his report; I picked up what seemed to have been an aggressively thrown notebook, inside was a lot of writing.

  
_“I was once given a bush, she was thorny and pricked my finger; it angered me and left her to linger in the wind. I braved the shrub again and to my surprise a bud welcomed me. It was small but sweet and I gave her water to drink. Soon she bloomed with beautiful red roses; her smell sweeter than I have ever known. One night a winter wind came and all of her leaves wilted, her petals began to fall. My heart pained to watch her fail in health so slowly so I ripped her at her roots, tearing her from the ground so that her death would be swift and I faced the bitter cold alone. I Ventured back into that field and found her full and lush again. I was overjoyed to know that she had not only survived but thrived. I ran to rejoin her but found her to be under another’s care. Another gardener has given you water to drink and allowed the sun to bathe your leaves. You bloom for another now and I will spend all of my winters alone._ ”  
I was caught off guard by such a piece; it was so beautiful and profound. If this wasn’t Mammon’s handwriting I would never believe it was his. I wondered if this was for our English class. My hand trembled as I turned to the next entry.

  
_“Stupidmammon, that is what I am known to be. A scumbag, a waste of space and a worthless moneygrubber, yeah I was all of those things. But I’m more than that aren’t I? A powerful demon, a student council officer, a brother, a friend; wasn’t I these things too? Not according to who it counts, how can the avatar of greed be so worthless? But I didn’t see that in your eyes when you laughed at my corny jokes. I didn’t feel stupid when you helped me so many times, I didn’t feel like a waste when you clung to me that one…glorious time. I didn’t feel useless when you granted your patience time and again though I keep failing. For the first time, I was worth something…for the first time I had something I couldn’t get with money. But then…like the useless fool I am I threw you away. you see a leopard cannot change his spots and a scumbag cannot change his ways. If you had seen this sooner, I would never have misused your time and broken you so. You see, I am a waste.”_  
I heard a noise and jumped out of my skin. I listened hard and heard nothing more. These were about a girl, but whom exactly? I turned the page again.

  
_“I dreamt of you last night; I dreamt we were in one of your famous study sessions and you sat close to me. I could smell your flowers on you; you smelled really sweet, but sweeter still was your smile. I watched you tuck your hair behind your ear but you missed a bit. I reached forward and fix it and your face flushed. You smiled and I wanted so much to kiss you and that is when you closed the distance between us. I tasted your sweet lips and pulled you into my arms you ran your fingers into my hair and it felt so good. I told you that I loved you, that I always had and you nuzzled close to me. I held you there and you looked up at me and you opened your mouth to speak. But then I awoke…it was a good dream…the only good part of my day.”_

  
I had by this time sat on his couch consumed by the poetic and professing words. my heart pounded in my chest, there was no way. The way he acted…no that isn’t possible! I thought back to the weeks we used to spend together before our falling out, we spent time together and he was sweet in his way but I never knew he felt this way. I suddenly felt that I was in dangerous territory by reading further but I couldn’t turn away either.

  
_“How can the avatar of greed be so worthless? That is what Levi said to me today, and I thought about it all day. He was right. I am worthless; if it wasn’t for my actual attempts to change and become better I could simply say that it is in my nature to be a scumbag. But even when I want more…even when I want to be more I am still worthless. And I thought of the words you said to me: zero times anything is still zero; and you are right. Nothing I do can evolve me from the lowest life form that I am._ ” A tear fell from my eye and I turned the page again.

  
_“What if….i was the one to die instead of Lilith? What if that arrow had gone through my heart instead of hers, she would be alive and with our brothers and I would be out of their hair. She would fill their days with smiles, and she would fill their hearts with laughter. Me? I only cause hatred and mocking. Yeah…it would have been a much better choice.”_ He was getting darker the closer to this date I got and my breath caught.

  
_“I made another stupid choice today, I reached out to Levi…he called me an idiot. And to be honest I feel like an idiot, all the time. But I couldn’t let him see that he was right…I couldn’t let him see…so I made some jabs about Lucifer being the idiot knowing he would hear. Oh he beat me good over that, and to be honest it felt better after, the pain I mean. I can see why you had done it…I get it. Maybe that is why I do it, get into so much trouble and get beat on…at least it makes them happy…”_ there was one last entry.

  
“ _I can’t do this anymore, an eternity as this stupid fool is not what I ever wanted! I was once an angel…I was once good, but it seems the more mistakes I make the more I damn myself. Funny I know, being a demon I’m already damned…is this my punishment, to walk around in this haze, making one idiotic mishap after another surrounded by family that either despises me or uses me as some kind of clown. I was used to it until I met you, when you stood up for me I thought for the first time that I deserved more…but wouldn’t you believe that Stupidmammon ruined everything? And now that I’m aware that there is no better for me puts me in a place I don’t want to be. Damn….i think I’m breaking apart, I can’t breathe… I have been drinking all night trying to make this go away and it won’t. I don’t like this place, it’s dark, darker than any corner in Devildom and I can’t face it anymore…. I am not okay…I need a light._ ” This was dated for a couple hours ago and there was nothing else. I searched around frantically looking for clues and that was when I found him under his pool table and he looked drunk off his ass, he was still holding the liquor bottle.

  
“Mammon!! Mammon look at me are you okay?!” He looked at me with hazy eyes, a half-hearted smile creased his face.

  
“Hey, waddup? Ha, I guess I had too much of a party last night. I wish I saved you some…stupid me…”

  
“Mammon…why didn’t you come to me?”

  
“I’m sure I have another bottle…somewhere….my head hurts…” I decided not to talk about the notebook, I didn’t want to embarrass him. I tried to lift him but he was dead weight. i pulled him out from under the pool table and saw his eyes were dilated and he seemed really groggy.

  
“Mammon you drank this whole bottle? Did you have more, how much did you drink?” His breathing was slow and shallow and I became more alarmed.

  
“Leave me alone…I need to sleep…” I pulled on him further and found the medicine bottle. Demodium, these were pain pills that also aid in sleep and powerful.

  
“Mammon, how many did you take?”

  
“Hmm? I just needed that for my head….it’s pounding…”

  
“Mammon, these are 1000mg pills and the bottle is empty!! How many did you take?!!” I began to panic as he looked at me with empty eyes and a half smile. I pulled out my DDD and issued an SOS to the others. Then I called Lucifer with no answer.

  
“Don’t bother…they’ll be happier anyway…” My heart stopped. This was on purpose! I forced his mouth open and rammed my fingers down his throat to get him to vomit and after a few attempts he retched but I was afraid he might have taken them too long ago for it to do much good.

  
“SOMEBODY HELP!! PLEASE GET IN HERE NOW!!” He stopped responding to me, going completely limp in my arms.

  
“Mammon talk to me please, don’t close your eyes. Tell me about the rosebush!” a small light flickered in his eyes and the corner of his mouth twitched. And just as quickly he began to fade and I started CPR.

  
“Don’t leave me Mammon!! No, please!! LUCIFER!!! LEVI, ASMO SOMEONE PLEASE!!!” Levi skidded in with Belphie right behind him.

  
“What the hell is going on?”

  
“Levi I need you to go into my room, on my desk is a first aid kit, in it is a syringe I need it NOW!!” Levi took off as Asmo and Beel ran inside. Belphie jumped into action and took my place.

  
“He stopped breathing!!” I put my mouth to his and gave him air, counting desperately before giving another. Asmo ran to get Lucifer and Satan had kneeled beside us picking up the bottle with fear in his normally angry eyes.

  
“Mammon you idiot, what did you do!?!” I kept breathing hoping he was still in there I searched his mind. The images were hazy…like a dream but he was at his desk writing and threw the notebook aside and he began to rummage his room and found the pills, he broke down at that point and tried to reach out to his brothers, most were asleep others rejected him and the last image was of him drinking completely broken….he truly thought this was his last option! Why didn’t he call me?!

  
“He isn’t responding!!”

  
“He’s fading, Levi hurry!!” we stopped for only a moment to look at him…his deep blue eyes stared into nothing, he was completely still.

  
“Don’t you dare stop! Don’t you give up on me!! Mammon please come back!!” Lucifer busted in and was completely taken aback at the scene in his brother’s room.

  
“He took sleeping pills, I don’t know how many! He stopped breathing close to two minutes ago!” Lucifer stared for a moment before shoving Belphie out of the way to give firmer compressions.

  
“Beel, go to the main hall and get the medic now!!! You keep your heart beating, do you hear me; you stay here! You are not leaving here!” I continued to give him mouth to mouth, counting in time with his compressions. Belphie and Asmo began sobbing and poor Satan looked like he might faint. Levi burst into the room with the syringe and he threw it to me.

  
“Move!!” I uncapped it and plunged it right into Mammon’s chest. Lucifer continued giving compressions and the seconds ticked by giving us less and less hope.

  
“Mammon!!!!”

  
“No!!”

  
“You aren’t going anywhere; you don’t get to leave here! You bastard!!” Lucifer them punched him right in the heart. one…two….three seconds went by…and we all went silent.

  
“I should have answered him when he said he needed me...damn it, damn it damn it!!” Satan pulled his knees in and sobbed. I was beside myself, I refused to stop giving him air…please…don’t give up yet…  
A sharp gasp and a cough and the rest sighed and cried harder. Mammon looked around confused and still very tired.

  
“What…why is everyone here?” Lucifer took him by his shoulders and shook him violently.

  
“HOW COULD YOU BE SO RECKLESS?!!! You have to be the most moronic demon in existence to do that!!”

  
“I…left my report… on the pool table…”

  
“I don’t give a damn about that!! I almost lost you!!” Everyone looked in surprise to see the strong and beautiful eldest holding his brother, tears rolling down his cheeks before hugging him close and beginning to sob. Mammon looked confused and then began to cry himself.

  
“Don’t ever do that to me again, not again…I will not lose another one!” They all lost it then crying and holding onto them. I spotted the notebook and wondered if Lucifer would need to know the depth of the situation. I will tuck it into my bag for now, I didn’t want to ruin this moment. I was bullied for years of my life as well, I knew the pain he felt; and it pained me to know he went through that alone. I would have been there for him if he had spoken to me. I looked into the notebook again and found a note in the very back:

  
_“I needed a light, but I realized that you were that light; even though I messed up you still remained my friend. Even though I can’t handle the dark even with your light, I can at least go knowing that meeting you is the one thing I will never regret. I never told you, but I have always loved you; it won’t change anything, but hey at least you know._ ” Below he drew a pretty rose. I removed that note and stuck it into my pocket before putting the notebook away…

\---We don't always get to have second chances, think about your words and actions in each moment and do your best to make it better than the last---


End file.
